[WARNING: somewhat sexual content?]
I truly loved my ex-boyfriend, but I knew I could not give him all of myself, and I didn't want to prolong the relationship once I knew I was going to hurt him by breaking up with him. I was hurt, too, but - and I feel kind of guilty saying this - I felt relieved and a sense of freedom?
I identified as gay for the longest time in my high school years, but recently, I "updated" my sexuality as bisexual. True, I do feel attraction to men, but I'm starting to recognize it as me gravitating to their vibe/personality, and I usually desire a friendship with them - NOT sex; affection, on rare occasions, but NOT romance; I can grow to care for men, but I love women. I think I've only felt true love when I was in love with ex-girlfriend., who was my best friend. Sadly, that feel apart horribly, and I avoided relationships for a long while.
I reconnected with a male friend over the summer when we were taking the same summer classes; we bonded over failed relationships/messed up friendships, and we grew close as we started realizing we liked the same music, we liked the same kind of movies, and we were both pretty big nerds. It was a friendship that was growing close, and I mistook that as romantic chemistry.
We transition from friends to "friends with benefits" when he gave me a strong drink, and in my tipsy state, I made out with him. I'm not saying it was a drunken mistake; alcohol makes me more confident and sure of myself. However, I was not at all ready for another romantic relationship, so I avoided bringing up the "what are we?" talk. He assumed we were FWB, but really, we just hung out and made out. We engaged in sexual acts several times, but sex was... Just, no. (Let's just say, I think he seriously needs to see a doctor about the little blue pill.) It was NOT the fact that he couldn't... "perform" that made me question my attraction (okay, maybe a little bit) but the fact that I never really wanted it. I'm not saying he forced me into anything; he never did that, but it never excited me, or hell, it even disgusted me sometimes. I would enjoy pleasing him, but overall, it felt like work. I don't want to hear, "of course, it's work, sweetie; it's called a blow JOB" ugh.
Sexually, when it comes to women, I would feel lucky that a girl let me see her naked and let me touch her and let me please her.
I don't have sexual desires for men; I don't picture myself being married to a man.
I see myself falling in love with a woman, traveling and taking pictures and making memories together. I see myself waking up next to a woman, sneaking out of bed, and cooking breakfast for her. I see myself laughing with her, trying to cheer her up when she's sick, going out to bars together, showering together, making love together. I have an image of me lounging on the couch, working on a project for my job, and her snuggled in a seat nearby, doing something she loves, in comfortable silence.
Wow, I'm a hopeless romantic, but I recognize that. Hopefully, I'll meet someone who loves that about me. One day, I will meet a woman and fall in love with her; I will give all of myself to her, and I will be so happy.
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